How to Win an Ugly Christmas Sweater Contest

Every office has one: the ugly Christmas sweater contest where half the entrants turn up in a nice fair isle and the prize goes to whoever looks most like they lost a fight with a Christmas tree. If you intend to win, you need to plan like it.

We’ve rated every sweater on this site for ugliness using a fixed set of rules – and those rules happen to line up closely with what wins contests. Here’s how to use them.

What judges actually reward

Having watched a lot of these contests, the winners almost always tick several of these boxes:

1. It lights up. Nothing beats working lights in a dim room. It also makes you visible in every photo.
2. It’s three-dimensional. Tinsel, hanging baubles, pom-poms, 3D scarves and attached bells. Judges touch things.
3. There’s no plain space. An all-over pattern beats a single motif on a plain background.
4. There’s a joke. A pun, a costume effect or a slogan gets a laugh, and a laugh gets votes.
5. It commits. Hats, headbands, glasses and matching socks turn a sweater into an outfit.

Our Ugliness Rating gives a bauble for each of the first four, so a sweater’s score is a decent predictor of its contest chances.

The highest-rated sweaters on the site

The only sweater to score five baubles is a black roll-neck with a real gold tinsel tree, working LEDs and a “GET LIT” slogan. Several four-bauble options come with full accessory sets – antler headbands, novelty glasses, light-up beanies and socks – which solves the “commit” problem in one purchase.

Win with a joke instead

Not every contest is won on sparkle. If your crowd appreciates a laugh, a costume or trompe-l’oeil sweatshirt can steal it: fake Santa suits with printed six-packs, a fake cardigan worn over a very hairy chest, Santa riding a T-rex through space, or a hooded jumper that turns you into one of Santa’s elves, complete with pointed ears.

A word of warning: know your audience. Some joke sweaters are crude, and what wins at the pub may not go down well at a family party or in an office. We’ve removed the most explicit designs from this site, and the descriptions of the rest tell you plainly when a joke is aimed at adults.

Win with a game

An interactive sweater gets people involved, which is the surest way to get their vote. Our Games collection includes a sweater with a padded dartboard and velcro balls, one with real plastic cups stitched on for wearable beer pong, and a single enormous sweater built for two people at once.

Contest-day tips

• Buy early. The most outrageous designs sell out first, and delivery gets slower through December.
• Test the lights the night before and bring spare batteries.
• Wear something thin underneath. Tinsel-heavy knits are warm and a little scratchy.
• Accessorise. A Santa hat, antlers or light-up glasses can push a good sweater over the top.
• Team up. Couples and group entries – matching pairs, two-part jokes, a two-person sweater – often get a separate round of applause.

Find your winner

Sort our whole catalogue by “Ugliest first” to see the monsters at the top, or start with the Light-Up and Games collections. Good luck – and send us a photo of the trophy.